Oh What A Day

Today was rather eventful at Sinclair, so today's post will have multiple quotes and the story of the guy who face planted a light pole. All things were said/happened in the courtyard outside buildings 7, 6, 5, etc.

First up.

Some girl in Cincinnati needs to file a restraining order, call the police now, or just move out of town, because she apparently really, really, really, really, really pissed this chick off.

This black girl comes out of Building 7, on her phone, screaming at the person on the other end.

Girl: "Bitch! Yo' ass is fuckin' dead when I get a hold of you. I'm going to beat your ass so bad and kick your fat, pregnant, slut stomach, if you ain't dead from it, yo' baby will be."

Holy. Shit. She had the entire courtyard looking at her, and we were all thinking the same thing. "Damn...What the fuck did the other bitch do?"


Next contestant.

Douchebag of the year award goes to the guy that wears 3 pairs of shorts and sags each one in layers. Not only does he look like a douche, he was walking up on every hot chick and saying...

Douchebag: "Wad'up shawty. Damn you look good. Lemme get dat numba."

When they would ignore him or laugh at him, he would say, "Maaaaaaan, you ain't nuttin but a stuck up ho."

The best part, was when the girl next to me commented on the guy.

Girl: "A douchebag that big could cleanse a whales vagina."

I need to start carrying around Gold Stars to hand out to people like her.


Facial Recognition.

Now for the story that I posted earlier on Facebook. Face meets light pole.

Overly excited? Not paying to close attention? Wicked bad blind spot? You be the judge.

I'm enjoying my cancer stick, along with about 40 other people in the courtyard, when we all hear, "OH MY GOD!".

Everyone turns to see this guy running towards this girl. He was running to hug her, as apparently they hadn't seen each other in a long time.

As he approached her, he ran up the 3 steps to the top of the square in the middle of the courtyard, and immediately slammed his face into the light pole in front of her.

This all happened in slow motion. Kind of like in the movies where something awesome is about to happen and they slow it down. Everyone is cheering and anticipating the big finale, people are hugging, high fiving, etc. That magical moment where everyone is happy. That's exactly how it happened. Time just slowed down and we all watched with joy as he got closer and closer to the pole...BAM!

Best part, his face actually dented the pole.

I got a chance to talk to him when he came back from I'm guessing the nurses office. He received a mild concussion and was going to the hospital to make sure it doesn't get any worse.

Common Knowledge Isn't Common Anymore

Another "Last Resort" candidate for my Sinclair Dating Service.

I, along with about 30 others, was fortunate enough to overhear a breakup happening in Building 5 today.

I'll skip the boring parts and dive directly into the juicy bit.

Guy: "Why did you cheat on me?"
Girl: "If I knew sleeping with him would piss you off, I wouldn't have done it."

This Car Is Trashed

Today, I don't have an overheard, but I do have a "saw".

I deliver pizzas and my car gets pretty messy with receipts, crushed packs of cigarettes, etc, but this is just insane. Walking through the parking lot, I saw this minivan.

Someone call A&E.

Not Tonight, Dear

Sometimes you can't tell if someone is being genuine or not. Typically, if someone is asking you "How are you?", or "Are you okay?", one would presume that they are genuinely interested in knowing the answer.

Such wasn't the case today for this girl.

She was sitting against the wall outside of a classroom by herself. She had a sad look on her face and you can tell she just got done crying by the redness around her eyes and that they were a little puffy.

A guy went over to her and started talking to her.

Guy: "Are you okay?"
Girl: "I have a really bad headache right now."
Guy: "I didn't ask if you wanted to have sex, I just asked if you were okay."

While that may be a heartless joke, that is a very smart joke, and I applaud him on it's cleverness.

The Pot Calling The Kettle Black

Some people are just clueless. How they have survived their entire lives, is a fucking enigma.

I stopped by the Tartan Sub Shoppe to grab a quick bite to eat between classes. In front of me were 2 girls. The skinny girl got a Skyline coney, and the heavy girl got a sub.

Heavy girl: "You shouldn't eat that. It's unhealthy."

Now under most circumstances, what she said is accurate and isn't funny or disturbing. Unless you find it funny that the heavy person is trying to convince the skinny person what is healthier to eat.

But what makes this both funny and disturbing, is that while saying "You shouldn't eat that. It's unhealthy", she smeared about 10x's more mayonnaise than should be legally allowed to be used on her sub.

Oral Sophistication

The traditional late post for Tuesday.

Whores always have the best conversations. At least that's been my experience listening to them.

This little tidbit comes from a girl walking out of her Dental class. Her and another girl were talking about why they chose the Dental career path. Almost gave the girl my number.

Girl 1: "I took Dental because it's good money."
Girl 2: "I took Dental because since so many people have been in my mouth, I figured it was my turn to return the favor."

Psych Trip

I've heard this quote used before, but I don't think most of you have. Though I could be wrong, but either way, it's worth repeating.

What makes the quote worthy of repeating, is that it was used by a Psych teacher who was lecturing to his class. In the process, he reveals a little about his past life choices.

I'll sometimes visit the Psych building and listen in on some of the classes. It's fun to listen to how they think they have a grasp on the complexity of the mind and mental functions regarding mental health. But this time, I got reminded of this quote and had a good chuckle.

Teacher: "In the 60's we used acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make the world normal."

Whitney Finally Wins

I have a warped, twisted, rather deranged sense of humor. I also have little sympathy for a drug user that overdoses or dies while intoxicated. So when the recent news that Whitney Houston was found dead in a hotel room, I didn't flinch, as it was inevitable.

Now back to my warped sense of humor, I heard a guy in the hallway talking about the death, and he made a quip that damn near had me in tears.

Guy: "Whitney beat Bobby Brown to death."

Give that man an award.

What About Lettuce And Tomato?

I have no back-story to this one. I heard it as I walked around the corner on the way to my car and all I heard was the answer, which makes me want to know what the question was.

Guy: "She said no, because she doesn't want mayonnaise in her pants."

How To Tell Who Had A Boring Childhood

I had a little fun today between classes.

On the 1st floor of pretty much every building at Sinclair, there is a lobby area with chairs and tables where students will sit and study, work on homework/projects, or just mingle with others.

As I approached the area, I jumped onto the nearest seat and sat down with my legs under me. I then took my shoulder bag off and "accidentally" dropped it on the ground, and proceeded to say, "Shit!" loud enough for everyone to hear.

When I noticed most of the people looking at me, I looked around at them and said, "The floor is lava."

Immediately, about 6 or 7 people jumped up into a chair, and a few others (who were already sitting) picked their feet up off the ground.

One girl said, "Fucking lava ate my homework!"

The ones who didn't do anything, just stared in disbelief at what they just witnessed.

And that my friends, is how to tell if someone had a boring childhood or not.

2 Fails In 1 Sentence

I am a music buff. As many of you know, I am very well versed when it comes to music knowledge. Try me. Ask any music related question, and I am 9 times out of ten, I'm going to know the answer.

So it saddens me when someone doesn't know something that is common knowledge in music. I don't mean that in some hipster way. I mean that as everyone fucking knows the answer. Something like, knowing that Milli Vanilli lip synced, or Michael Jackson was the King of Pop.

What I heard today almost made me punch the kid that said it, for multiple reasons. Not only does he not know music history, but he also helps keep the social acceptance/progress at a slow pace, when it comes to acceptance.

Guy: "Queen is going to suck now since that faggot Adam Lambert is the new lead singer."

1.) Freddie Mercury was gay.
2.) Sexual preference doesn't matter. Not in music. Not anywhere.

Though I will give the kid partial credit. Queen will definitely suck with Adam Lambert singing. Not because of the gay thing, but because Adam Lambert is not Freddie Mercury.

For those of you that haven't heard, Adam Lambert is joining Queen on a "Tribute Tour" for Freddie Mercury/Queen. He will be performing along side original members guitarist Brian May and drummer Roger Taylor.

Now For Something Completely Different

Unfortunately, there are some days that will not produce a good overheard conversation. So in lieu of an overheard conversation, I will tell a joke.

A wife tells her husband, "Go get those pills that help you get an erection."
The husband goes to pharmacy and gets the pills.
When he got back, the wife asked, "Did you get the pills?"
The husband said, "Oh, I got em".
He then handed his wife the diet pills.

Not Even Close

This conversation wasn't overheard by me. I was a participant in the conversation. But since it was loud enough for other people to hear it, I shall include it in this blog.

A couple NFL teams can be tricky to pinpoint where their hometown is. Especially if you don't follow that team, or are not that big into football. Most are easy, like Cincinnati Bengals, Miami Dolphins, Dallas Cowboys, etc. Some are a bit more tricky. Arizona Cardinals, New York Giants/Jets, Washington Redskins (Many don't know that Washing D.C., not Washington the state, is the home of the Redskins), etc.

The only team that is on the "hard to pinpoint" list for those not familiar, is the New England Patriots, who are in Foxboro, Massachusetts. New England is the combination of the 6 states Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut and Rhode Island. No need to go into a detailed history lesson, as most of you have the common sense to know about New England and where it is located.

Girl: "Where is the stadium for the Patriots?"
Me: "Foxboro, Massachusetts."
Girl: "Massachusetts? I thought they were in Montana."

Is That Adamantium In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

There are 3 things that the world will never run out of.

1.) Water
2.) Beer
3.) Weird people

3 guys were discussing the X-Men movie series and focusing on the character of Wolverine. Now I like the guy too, but come on.

Guy 1: "Hugh Jackman is the shit. Period."
Guy 2: "He is awesome."
Guy 3: "I would suck Hugh Jackman's dick."

Bark. Bark. Dead.

I sit near the door during my math class, which is always open. Since I hate math with a passion, I always try to listen to what's going on out in the hallway. Today, I overheard 2 girls who were sitting against the wall outside of their classroom, waiting for their teacher to get there to let them in. They were having a conversation about the upcoming Valentines Day.

Girl 1: "I'm spending the day with my boyfriend. We're going to dinner and a movie, then back to his place for some much needed "us" time."
Girl 2: "I'm probably going to buy a big bag of Hershey's and share them with my dog."

Parents, please remember to spay and neuter your children.

Pencil Down The Hallway

People should be required to pass a test before they are allowed to reproduce. It's scary how some people either don't realize there are forms of birth control, or know they exist and just say, "Fuck it. I need the tax money."

Between the ages of 18-25 (18 is still a bit young, though you are an adult), having 1 kid is to be expected. From ages 25-35, 2-3 kids. Some may have more, some less, but there's usually a responsible timing plan involved somewhere. Along with the occasional "accident".

This girl, whom I am guesstimating to be 19 or 20, already has 4 kids. Possibly 5. Depends on how you translate what she said to her friend.

Baby Mama: "I wish men were more responsible. I hate having this baby daddy drama."
Friend: "Men are assholes. Which baby daddy is giving you shit?"
Baby Mama: "Mark."
Friend: "Which kid is his again?"
Baby Mama: "Janelle's, the second youngest."

I don't think it's the men in your life that need to be more responsible.

I Dare You! I Double Dare You Mother Fucker!

They say there's no such thing as a stupid question. That's true, to an extent. If you ask a question about relatively anything not being discussed, it's a fair question that deserves an answer. Even if the subject matter was just discussed and you have a question about something you didn't hear, understand, etc. That is also justifiable and warrants an answer, but, it could also be a dumb question, because you're too incompetent to follow along more than 2 sentences.

Case and point.

Walking out of my Operating Systems class, I overheard a teacher talking about one of their students to another teacher.

Teacher: "I swear to God. If she continues to ask a question after each and every last thing I say, I'm going to flunk that stupid bitch."

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

You're in luck today/yesterday. I have 2 posts for you to read, love, hug, masturbate to, or whatever verb you wish to enact.

As Al Pacino once said in Devils Advocate, "Vanity. Definitely my favorite sin.", it is also the favorite sin of one kid who still likes to wear excessively baggy jeans that make rappers jealous, adorned with a TSA agents worst nightmare, 50,000 metal rings, pins, bars, etc. The gothic look that use to be cool back some 15 years ago.

In addition to his attire, he has the face that only a mother could love. A mother that most likely takes solace looking at her other children, who aren't as bad off as her son. At least I hope so. If not, I don't know who to feel worse for.

Anyways.

He's talking to, who I'm guessing is his friend, or some unfortunate soul that accidentally made eye contact with, about his girlfriends recent weight loss.

Goth Guy: "My girlfriend lost 14 lbs so far this month."
Unfortunate Guy: "That's cool. Bet you like her new body."
Goth Guy: "Actually, I don't. I'm going to break up with her because her boobs got a lot smaller from it."

I'm adding him to my new dating service I'm starting for the single women around Sinclair, "Last Resort".

Goth Guy and Red Scarf Herpy Guy from a few posts back are both presumably single now.

Oddly Specific

I apologize for the lateness of this post. Tuesday is my dart league night, and the bar we were throwing at does not have internet access. On top of that, I also had a bunch of homework to do/get completely wrong.

On with the lolz.

Ever smell something and can't quite think of the name of what it is? You know what the smell is, but you just can't spit the words out?

Today, the tunnel from the parking garage to building 3/4 had a very distinct smell, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

Luckily for me and everyone else in the tunnel that may have been pondering the name of said smell, someone was able to pinpoint the smell. Not just pinpoint it, but nailed, slammed dunked and donkey punched it.

"It smells like 4 and a half day old hotdog water in here."

The Ohio/Kentucky Border Is Blurring

Sometimes, I think the world is okay. Sometimes, I think the world is screwed up. Sometimes, I think the world is in fact going to hell in a hand basket. Today is one of those days.

I'm already plagued with worrying about passing my math class (12 years since taking a math class, so everything is brand new to me and very confusing). I already worry about politics and the fate of this country. I've got financial worries and all those wonderful burdens of life that everyone else has.

What I don't need, is to worry that the next chick I get with is related to her dad in more than one way.

Guy 1: "Would you care if I banged your cousin?"
Guy 2: "Of course I would, man."
Guy 1: "Why?"
Guy 2: "Because I already got dibs."
Guy 1: "What the fuck?"

I Don't Know Why Either

Some people need to realize that public bathrooms produce a rather loud echo when people talk inside them. This means that pretty much anything you say can/will be carried out into the hallway of whatever facility you are in.

Same is true for the bathrooms at Sinclair.

I was heading to the parking garage after my last class of the day, and there is a girls bathroom that I pass along the way (I'm a muhfukin poet). As I got near to said bathroom, I hear this girl talking to someone else. At least I hope she was talking to someone else. If not, then that adds a whole new level of crazy to this girl.

"I don't know why I buy scented tampons. My boyfriend says he can't even smell them."

I'm just gonna let that one sink in. Enjoy.

A Condom A Day...

Today's entry is more of a public service announcement than it is funny. Unless you are like me, and view tragedy as comedy.

During my 45 minute break before math class, I was sitting in the common area playing Angry Birds on my phone. Directly behind me were two guys talking about what they were going to do this coming weekend.

Guy #1: "Same game plan this weekend as last weekend? Head to the bar and find some chicks?"
Guy #2: "That depends on what the doctor tells me on Friday."
Guy #1: "The doctor? You sick?"
Guy #2: "Not technically. I went to the doctors on Tuesday for something else."
Guy #1: "What for?"
Guy #2: "Remember that chick I took home Saturday night?"
Guy #1: "Yeah."
Guy #2: ".....Yeah"
Guy #1: "Oh...Snap."

I'd say he's a good looking guy and wears a red scarf. Presumably single. Have at him, ladies.

Wonder If She's Related To Jared?

Ever wonder where a sudden craving comes from? For example, you're wondering what you want to eat for lunch or dinner. You think about it for a while, but can't figure out what you want to eat. Or maybe you don't even realize you're hungry and suddenly, out of nowhere, you have this irresistible urge for a certain something.

Well today, I figured out how it happens...at least how it happens for me.

Just left my English class (pattern?) when I saw this beautiful girl walking towards me with a group of her friends. As they walk past, I suddenly knew what I wanted for lunch.

"...even my bra smells like Subway."

Well, you know what they say...."Eat Fresh".

They Still Make Those?

Here's a conversation I got the pleasure of overhearing during English today (seems that my English class so far is good luck for these things).

This one isn't as shocking like the last one was, but it further solidifies that the new generations of kids/adults are lacking a major part of their brains.

A guy in the row ahead of me and a couple seats to the right, leaned over to the guy next to him and said/asked:

"Pssst." Yes, he actually made the "pssst" sound. "Do you know what page number we're on?"

The guy next to him said, "There's a book for this class?"

Facebook Never Lies

Two things clicked in my head the instant I heard this:

1.) I want to read the facebook comment thread where this originated from.
2.) I must start a blog to bring attention to the things people say out loud, whether they know there are people around or not.

A little background to this doozy.

It's Tuesday afternoon, roughly 2pm. I had just left my English class and was heading over to Building 13 to meet up with a friend for lunch. I waited out front of the building on the corner, enjoying a cigarette in the beautiful, sunny, near 50 degree weather.

I look over at the crosswalk and I see this pretty little thing talking on her cell phone, walking across the street towards my direction. My eyes were pleased at what they was looking at, but my ears were not ready for what they were about to overhear as she walked by.

"I don't care what Facebook says, I shower."

For those of you wondering, I had a Reuben for lunch, while contemplating what the fuck she said.

Wait....What?

Welcome to Overheard Conversations At College.

This blog will serve the community for the next 18 months, as I post the most ridiculous, off the wall, "what the fuck?" conversations I happen to overhear during my time at Sinclair Community College in Dayton, Ohio.

If I happen to post something that you have said, don't be ashamed. Being featured on this blog is an honor, as you've managed to make me laugh, pissed, shut up in complete and total awe, shove a pen into my ear canal, threaten your/my own life, or just made me feel better about myself.

Don't worry though, I will not post names with my entries. Though, if you are so inclined, feel free to claim your moment of fame in the comments.